A Change is Gonna Come.

It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know, a change gon' come
Oh yes it will

-Sam Cooke

Great words...none truer ever need to be spoken. I celebrated a birthday last week (22...eek), and I was pretty depressed in the days leading up to and after it. Instead of feeling more mature, wiser, grown-up, I just feel....old.

I guess what I'm (reluctantly) coming to realize, is that change is inevitable. Not a novel idea, but we have to all come to it on our own. I've always been reluctant to change. I doubt I'll ever completely accept it. It still occurs, so regardless of whether or not I accept it, it happens.

I think my lack of acceptance of change stems from fear. Well, not so much I think as I know. Fear of what is to come. Fear of what a change will do to my life. Change can be great, growth opens you up to things that you've never experienced before, and those things can be great presences in your life. I'm fortunate to have experienced things like that before, and I am definitely glad to have had the opportunity to do so.

What I hate about change is vulnerability...Geez, it's even an obnoxious word. In order to accept and succumb to change, you have to make yourself available to it, and there is that ugly little V word. Such a loathsome feeling. Putting yourself out there, making yourself open...it sucks if it doesn't go right. It so often leads to hurt, and ends in heartache/break and resentment. And resentment leads to cynicism...and who wants to live life as a cynic?

Change can be good; but can there be too much of a good thing?

Did you hear about the Rose that grew from a crack in the concrete?...
I am the Rose.

My Letter of Resignation

Dear Love (cc: Likes, Lusts, Infatuations, Crushes, etc.),

I give up. I can't continue to let myself be built up on hopes, promises and pretty words. When I come to realize that it was a monument of nothingness that was built beneath me, the fall is too great. I can't keep trying to recover.

It may seem as if I haven't tried, and that's true, maybe I don't have much experience on my resume. But its supposed to be quality over quantity, right? I've worn my heart on my sleeve too often, and too many times I've let myself fall too fast, too hard, too intensely. I can't let someone in, continue to give of myself; the pieces I've given have been to big, I'm running out of me.

You win.

Enclosed is my white flag.

Sincerely,

TheRose

Did you hear about the Rose that grew from a crack in the concrete?...

I am the Rose.

Perplexed by the Play-by-Play of the Protocol

The "Protocol".

This unwritten set of rules that dictate the how's/what's/when's/where's of relationships (well maybe not just relationships...maybe some interactions as well?). When to say this, how to say it, what punctuation to use in a text message...its sooooo much. I still don't really understand it, its so complicated. Like how do you know when is the right moment to contact someone, hitting that point in between being too eager and acting like you don't give a shit. What do you say in text to make it nonchalant enough for you to not sound super-pressed but not too allof to the point where you sound super-bitchy?

I feel like the basics of physics are easier to navigate than the rules in the "Protocol". But I guess its just a part of life...one learning experience after another.

Did you hear about the Rose that grew from a crack in the concrete?...
I am the Rose.

What is the concrete garden?

A world of fraudulence. I often wonder if the reality that I see is non-existent because of the people that construct it. Chalk it off to naivete, because I do often give people the benefit of the doubt more often than necessary. But when will we got to a point where you can take what someone says as what it is, without having to worry about hidden meanings and motives?

I'm tired of being caught off-guard by assuming that I could take what I'm told at face-value. I'm tired of having to second guess someone because of the actions of another, or even their own previous actions. I don't want to spend the rest of my life a cynic. No more falsities.

I was naive...hell, I probably still am naive. We're told that all of the bullsh*t that people throw at you is supposed to help you, make you a stronger person. Well if that's the case, I should be made of steel by now.

Did you hear about the Rose that grew from a crack in the concrete?...
I am the Rose.