results and repurcussions...after the dust has settled.

So like most people, I've been trying to navigate my 20s as smoothly as possible. (And yes, I'm aware that i don't have too many years of 20s yet.) Maybe take a couple of chances here and there, but for the most part, have fun and really come into myself and who I'm destined to be in the future. But looking back on the past year and some change, stepping outside my comfort zone has done some good and some bad.

Now don't get me wrong, some of the decisions that I've made in the recent past have been great. I've never regretted them, regardless of problems that may present themselves because of them. However, in the past year and some change, my actions have deviated from my norm. I've acted out of character, and after reflecting back on the recent past, I've come to the conclusion...What the hell was I thinking?

I didn't have a 'typical' college experience at first. Didn't know a lot of people, didn't really do much. It wasn't really until my junior year that I really got to know people and party and all the fun stuff that people talk about. And even then, my schedule was kinda tight, and not really party-conducive. But I have to say that the end of my junior year was what opened up a whole new world for me. I started meeting more people, and just actually having fun. The school year started up again, but still, I was on my mission. When graduation loomed around the corner, I panicked, dreading the grown-up life that existed outside the campus boundaries. I figured, f**k it, I'm gonna do whatever the hell I want to. And I continued to follow this ideal through much of the summer.

Eventually, I realized I had to be responsible for my actions. And after doing so, I also realized that I needed to change my behavior. Sidebar: its not as scandalous as my omissions make it seem. It didn't make sense to continue to act out against my normal behavior just for the sake of fulfilling some ridiculous expectation. The potential fallout can be too great if you force yourself into a role that you are not truly meant to fill.

I'm SOOOOO glad that I have come to this conclusion on my own accord, and not because of extraneous circumstances. It may seem like a ridiculous concept, especially for a grown woman, but I'm finally doing shit because I actually want to and not because I feel like I have to. I'm breaking free from the shackles! LOL. But really, this was a great wake-up call. Now I'm back on track to what's truly important, and I'm getting rid of the unnecessary drama. Feels like a million pounds have been lifted off my shoulders! :-D

Did you hear about the Rose that grew from a crack in the concrete?...
I am the Rose.

moving on and letting go

Damn,
Ain't it crazy when you're love swept?
You'll do anything for the one you love
'Cause anytime that you needed me
I'd be there
It's like you were my favorite drug
The only problem is
That you was using me
In a different way that I was using you
But now that I know, it's not meant to be
You gotta go, I gotta win myself off of you

And I'll never give myself to another
The way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize
The ways you hurt me
Do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame...

'Rehab'- Rihanna


I've always had a hard time letting go of things...I end up collecting shit for years because I won't get rid of it. My rationale is, 'you never know when you might need it again, because once you throw it out, you can't get it back'. And with my luck, the minute I'll get rid of something I'll need it again.

But somethings you have to let go. Especially at the point when it becomes unhealthy for you to hold on to whatever it is that you were holding on to. What makes it so difficult to do that? What makes it so difficult to let go of something that hurts you time and time again?

I've made the realization that I'm not going to change you. (By now, I hope that its noted that I'm speaking about someone and not my favorite childhood stuffed animal) You're never going to look at me differently. You're going to go about your life the same way' with the same sweet talk, the same compliments, the same flaky behavior, the same bullshit that I've been listening to for years now. I'm tired of waiting for you to return a phone call when you said you would, stick to a plan...i'm too old to babysit you and you're too old to be babysat. I always find it so funny that grown-ass men, ESPECIALLY those that proclaim themselves to be so, rarely act that way...some food for thought, supposed "grown-ass men".

I'm not your motorcycle, your dog, or your video games, laying around waiting for you to give me attention. Not anymore. Just like when you asked me to 'be your girl'...not anymore. You had a grip on me that I still wonder about...the point is that I've let go. I'm moving on.

It's gonna take time, but I'll get there.

Did you hear about the Rose that grew from a crack in the concrete?...
I am the Rose.