results and repurcussions...after the dust has settled.

So like most people, I've been trying to navigate my 20s as smoothly as possible. (And yes, I'm aware that i don't have too many years of 20s yet.) Maybe take a couple of chances here and there, but for the most part, have fun and really come into myself and who I'm destined to be in the future. But looking back on the past year and some change, stepping outside my comfort zone has done some good and some bad.

Now don't get me wrong, some of the decisions that I've made in the recent past have been great. I've never regretted them, regardless of problems that may present themselves because of them. However, in the past year and some change, my actions have deviated from my norm. I've acted out of character, and after reflecting back on the recent past, I've come to the conclusion...What the hell was I thinking?

I didn't have a 'typical' college experience at first. Didn't know a lot of people, didn't really do much. It wasn't really until my junior year that I really got to know people and party and all the fun stuff that people talk about. And even then, my schedule was kinda tight, and not really party-conducive. But I have to say that the end of my junior year was what opened up a whole new world for me. I started meeting more people, and just actually having fun. The school year started up again, but still, I was on my mission. When graduation loomed around the corner, I panicked, dreading the grown-up life that existed outside the campus boundaries. I figured, f**k it, I'm gonna do whatever the hell I want to. And I continued to follow this ideal through much of the summer.

Eventually, I realized I had to be responsible for my actions. And after doing so, I also realized that I needed to change my behavior. Sidebar: its not as scandalous as my omissions make it seem. It didn't make sense to continue to act out against my normal behavior just for the sake of fulfilling some ridiculous expectation. The potential fallout can be too great if you force yourself into a role that you are not truly meant to fill.

I'm SOOOOO glad that I have come to this conclusion on my own accord, and not because of extraneous circumstances. It may seem like a ridiculous concept, especially for a grown woman, but I'm finally doing shit because I actually want to and not because I feel like I have to. I'm breaking free from the shackles! LOL. But really, this was a great wake-up call. Now I'm back on track to what's truly important, and I'm getting rid of the unnecessary drama. Feels like a million pounds have been lifted off my shoulders! :-D

Did you hear about the Rose that grew from a crack in the concrete?...
I am the Rose.

moving on and letting go

Damn,
Ain't it crazy when you're love swept?
You'll do anything for the one you love
'Cause anytime that you needed me
I'd be there
It's like you were my favorite drug
The only problem is
That you was using me
In a different way that I was using you
But now that I know, it's not meant to be
You gotta go, I gotta win myself off of you

And I'll never give myself to another
The way I gave it to you
Don't even recognize
The ways you hurt me
Do you?
It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back
And you're the one to blame...

'Rehab'- Rihanna


I've always had a hard time letting go of things...I end up collecting shit for years because I won't get rid of it. My rationale is, 'you never know when you might need it again, because once you throw it out, you can't get it back'. And with my luck, the minute I'll get rid of something I'll need it again.

But somethings you have to let go. Especially at the point when it becomes unhealthy for you to hold on to whatever it is that you were holding on to. What makes it so difficult to do that? What makes it so difficult to let go of something that hurts you time and time again?

I've made the realization that I'm not going to change you. (By now, I hope that its noted that I'm speaking about someone and not my favorite childhood stuffed animal) You're never going to look at me differently. You're going to go about your life the same way' with the same sweet talk, the same compliments, the same flaky behavior, the same bullshit that I've been listening to for years now. I'm tired of waiting for you to return a phone call when you said you would, stick to a plan...i'm too old to babysit you and you're too old to be babysat. I always find it so funny that grown-ass men, ESPECIALLY those that proclaim themselves to be so, rarely act that way...some food for thought, supposed "grown-ass men".

I'm not your motorcycle, your dog, or your video games, laying around waiting for you to give me attention. Not anymore. Just like when you asked me to 'be your girl'...not anymore. You had a grip on me that I still wonder about...the point is that I've let go. I'm moving on.

It's gonna take time, but I'll get there.

Did you hear about the Rose that grew from a crack in the concrete?...
I am the Rose.

Hm...

Hm.
This is new.

Well not really

Same old story, right?
Girl meets guy
Guy meets girl
They fall head-over-heels in love
Live happily ever after...The End.

Whose ending is that?

I hate that ending.

But what the hell is this feeling?
This feeling that seems to have side-swiped me like a car on the freeway...

This is why I don't drive.
You can't control anything, things flying at you from all different directions!
And then the next thing you know, you're roadkill.
I don't know about you, but I'm not trying to end up like that.

Hm.

Argh, this feeling!
This nagging feeling
Its like a small child poking me in the side
trying to get my attention.

Do you happen to know what this feeling is?
If you do, please enlighten me.

Oooo, you think you know what it is.
You say it's because this is different.
Not like the other times.

Oh really?

Hm.

Did you hear about the Rose that grew from a crack in the concrete?...
I am the Rose.

Untitled.

So I heard a story about a Rose
And the concrete garden it makes its home

The Rose.

Leaves wilting

Deep Red petals, edges torn

Didn't get the easy life of the daffodils or sunflowers
But nobody gets to choose where they grow.

Stretching towards the sun
Craving its warmth

Always exposed to the world
Wanting, needing, yearning for shelter

Any source of comfort...but always going without.

Just another day in the Concrete Garden.

Did you hear about the Rose that grew from a crack in the concrete?...
I am the Rose.

Stupid Me.

Always Seeing truth in what was so clearly BS
Stupid Me.

Listening to the sweet words, thinking I was better than the rest
Stupid Me.

Making excuses for dumb shit, hoping for something else
Stupid Me.

Didn't know the rules of the game, didn't see he was in it for self
Stupid Me.

Set myself up again, just to get knocked down
Promised myself I'd be SO different THIS time around

THIS time came...
Passed...
And he's on to the next.

Stupid Me.

Did you hear about the Rose that grew from a crack in the concrete?...
I am the Rose.

A Change is Gonna Come.

It's been a long, a long time coming
But I know, a change gon' come
Oh yes it will

-Sam Cooke

Great words...none truer ever need to be spoken. I celebrated a birthday last week (22...eek), and I was pretty depressed in the days leading up to and after it. Instead of feeling more mature, wiser, grown-up, I just feel....old.

I guess what I'm (reluctantly) coming to realize, is that change is inevitable. Not a novel idea, but we have to all come to it on our own. I've always been reluctant to change. I doubt I'll ever completely accept it. It still occurs, so regardless of whether or not I accept it, it happens.

I think my lack of acceptance of change stems from fear. Well, not so much I think as I know. Fear of what is to come. Fear of what a change will do to my life. Change can be great, growth opens you up to things that you've never experienced before, and those things can be great presences in your life. I'm fortunate to have experienced things like that before, and I am definitely glad to have had the opportunity to do so.

What I hate about change is vulnerability...Geez, it's even an obnoxious word. In order to accept and succumb to change, you have to make yourself available to it, and there is that ugly little V word. Such a loathsome feeling. Putting yourself out there, making yourself open...it sucks if it doesn't go right. It so often leads to hurt, and ends in heartache/break and resentment. And resentment leads to cynicism...and who wants to live life as a cynic?

Change can be good; but can there be too much of a good thing?

Did you hear about the Rose that grew from a crack in the concrete?...
I am the Rose.

My Letter of Resignation

Dear Love (cc: Likes, Lusts, Infatuations, Crushes, etc.),

I give up. I can't continue to let myself be built up on hopes, promises and pretty words. When I come to realize that it was a monument of nothingness that was built beneath me, the fall is too great. I can't keep trying to recover.

It may seem as if I haven't tried, and that's true, maybe I don't have much experience on my resume. But its supposed to be quality over quantity, right? I've worn my heart on my sleeve too often, and too many times I've let myself fall too fast, too hard, too intensely. I can't let someone in, continue to give of myself; the pieces I've given have been to big, I'm running out of me.

You win.

Enclosed is my white flag.

Sincerely,

TheRose

Did you hear about the Rose that grew from a crack in the concrete?...

I am the Rose.

Perplexed by the Play-by-Play of the Protocol

The "Protocol".

This unwritten set of rules that dictate the how's/what's/when's/where's of relationships (well maybe not just relationships...maybe some interactions as well?). When to say this, how to say it, what punctuation to use in a text message...its sooooo much. I still don't really understand it, its so complicated. Like how do you know when is the right moment to contact someone, hitting that point in between being too eager and acting like you don't give a shit. What do you say in text to make it nonchalant enough for you to not sound super-pressed but not too allof to the point where you sound super-bitchy?

I feel like the basics of physics are easier to navigate than the rules in the "Protocol". But I guess its just a part of life...one learning experience after another.

Did you hear about the Rose that grew from a crack in the concrete?...
I am the Rose.

What is the concrete garden?

A world of fraudulence. I often wonder if the reality that I see is non-existent because of the people that construct it. Chalk it off to naivete, because I do often give people the benefit of the doubt more often than necessary. But when will we got to a point where you can take what someone says as what it is, without having to worry about hidden meanings and motives?

I'm tired of being caught off-guard by assuming that I could take what I'm told at face-value. I'm tired of having to second guess someone because of the actions of another, or even their own previous actions. I don't want to spend the rest of my life a cynic. No more falsities.

I was naive...hell, I probably still am naive. We're told that all of the bullsh*t that people throw at you is supposed to help you, make you a stronger person. Well if that's the case, I should be made of steel by now.

Did you hear about the Rose that grew from a crack in the concrete?...
I am the Rose.